why high school love is stupid.

Have I ever been in love?
I don't know.

When I was a freshman, I thought I was. True story. I was head over heels for this girl...going into my freshman year of high school at the age of 14, we made a monumental jump in our relationship when we held hands for the first time. When school started, during our breaks between class, we would sneak away to a lunch table hidden from the views of our peers, because if our friends found out, their parents would find out.  And if their parents found out, our parents found out. And if our parents found out...well then our beautiful little love story- the love story we would talk about on the phone for hours, where we would date all of high school, go to senior prom together, and after she waited for me while I was on my mission get married- it would all come to an end. So we kept everything a secret. Later that year, I kissed her. And people saw. And our parents found out. But that girl and I, nothing was coming between us. I loved her. We "broke up" a month later, and that was that.

A few weeks later, I met another girl. She lived up the street from me but went to a different school. We hung out every day that summer, and at the end, when we were as tight as tight can be. And at the end of the summer, I loved her and she loved me. We went to each other's homecoming. That winter, when I told her I was moving 700 miles away, we agreed to date long distance. Everything was well and dandy until the pangs of jealously began to rip my insides apart. So I kissed another girl. And that was the end of that with her.

Why am I telling you this?
Because if you think you're in love right now, as a 15,16, or 17 year old, I would probably disagree with you. Now I know there are millions of sweethearts who would love to hunt me down, but it's true. It's a joke. I reflect on my experiences with love in high school, it is a testament to me of how much I've grown up since then. How could I have ever known what love was back then? However, I am grateful for the ride love has strapped me into, because it is the most educating roller coaster I have ever been on. Love is not to be concealed and confined to lunch tables. It is supposed to be cherished, appreciated, and put on display. However, not the vain display searching for likes, favorites, or comments. Love is hopeful...it expands horizons and mental capacities in search for the road less traveled...the road your high school friends are secretly envious of at your 20 year reunion as they say, "wow, you guys are still together?"  Love is not jealous. It is trust, it is compromise, it is unconditional. Love is focused. Love is blurry vision in the halls, in class, on campus, on the dance floor, or at a party because you're focused on the one individual who knows everything about you, who knows what you're afraid of, what makes you laugh, where you're ticklish, what your goals and pursuits are,  and how you like to sit on a rainy day, listening to Jack Johnson say that things are better when you two are together. And he's right.

I don't think I've found that yet. And that's why I'm still searching.