How to suck at talking to girls (or boys I guess too)

I've never been good at talking to girls. I'm just one of those kids who can't voice their thoughts adequately, so while I struggle and stammer and wrestle with small talk, there are a plethora of things I'd like to say trapped in the attic of my brain. I'd consider myself a professional in this field, so here's a list of how to suck at talking to someone of the opposite gender:

-If texting:

• Talk about absolutely nothing. The more predictable the better. If you can get into a cycle of asking her what she's doing, followed by a pointless question, that's perfect. 
• Try to be funny...because you'll end up trying too hard, confusing her by something you said, and you'll end up sounding flat out stupid
• Talk about yourself too much and forget that you're attempting to have a two-way conversation 
• Winking and smiling faces are good I've heard.

-If snapchatting:

• Send selfies just of yourself..no captions or anything. A filter is acceptable if you're feeling daring.

-If talking to a crush:

• Refer to any of the tips above
• Become way too interested too fast
• Talk to them as much as possible
• Listen to your thoughts...because overthinking is crucial
• Hopefully if it continues long enough, you'll find yourself wondering what went wrong once more

#LifeGoals

• Buy a small one room apartment in New York City before I'm married and live there for a year

• When it comes time to choose a career, don't sellout. Do something with my life that makes me happy...because there's never a time in my life that I picture myself becoming prisoner of a cubicle and necktie.

• Take my wife to Venice and have a week to ourselves

• Raise my family in California
• Get through AP Calculus
• Turn my homework in before the term ends
• Take time, at least once a week, to have a good laugh with some of your friends...hopefully more frequently than once a week
• Never lose sight of what is important
• Make sure my children understand that family is the most important thing, and that their best friends are their brothers and sisters
• Learn to play the Ukelele
• Smile more
• Get a German Shepherd
• Learn to speak a new language

• If all else fails...I will graciously accept what my life will become... because I know that as long as I have people who love me and appreciate my presence on this Earth, as long as I have the stars to look up too at night, whether I'm rich, or poor, single, or married, as long as I have a beating heart and blood actively pumping through my veins, I have no reason to complain

Antonym

To be completely honest, I am your average Joe. I don't possess any qualities that would allow you to point me out in the rush of the bustling hallways.
I'm not...
Edgy
Talented with a camera
A 5 star college prospective athlete
In a dreamy relationship
The loudest at football games
Lone Peak's next valedictorian (not by a long shot)
Classic Skating every Saturday night fighting the virtual battles of who can show off how much more fun they had than you

However, I am different...

I don't read much anymore
I am often scrambling to scribble in last second answers to procrastinated homework
I can't remember the last time I had a real valuable conversation about a meaningful topic
I go to bed at 2AM (and fall asleep in class)
I don't know what my dreams are because my old ones weren't practical enough
I'm not as fearless as I once was...because the fears I once pushed away- similar to how I push away responsibility in this teenage asylum of mine- are becoming increasingly apparent by the day
I waste my last childhood days unable to break the ball and chain of my phone I'm confined too

What happened to me?