How to suck at talking to girls (or boys I guess too)

I've never been good at talking to girls. I'm just one of those kids who can't voice their thoughts adequately, so while I struggle and stammer and wrestle with small talk, there are a plethora of things I'd like to say trapped in the attic of my brain. I'd consider myself a professional in this field, so here's a list of how to suck at talking to someone of the opposite gender:

-If texting:

• Talk about absolutely nothing. The more predictable the better. If you can get into a cycle of asking her what she's doing, followed by a pointless question, that's perfect. 
• Try to be funny...because you'll end up trying too hard, confusing her by something you said, and you'll end up sounding flat out stupid
• Talk about yourself too much and forget that you're attempting to have a two-way conversation 
• Winking and smiling faces are good I've heard.

-If snapchatting:

• Send selfies just of yourself..no captions or anything. A filter is acceptable if you're feeling daring.

-If talking to a crush:

• Refer to any of the tips above
• Become way too interested too fast
• Talk to them as much as possible
• Listen to your thoughts...because overthinking is crucial
• Hopefully if it continues long enough, you'll find yourself wondering what went wrong once more